Almost three years ago, my life changed overnight. Bonfire night to be precise. The night my daughter, Summer, was born.
Being a mum wasn’t something I’d always dreamt of. In fact, I’ve always preferred animals to babies. Never played with dolls when I was growing up. And, at the ripe old age of 30 really couldn’t care less if I had one or not.
Cut to me, in early 2021, looking down at my baby’s chubby little face, thinking to myself ‘I can’t go back to work and leave her. I just can’t’.
I was lucky enough to be able to decide to take the next three years ‘off’ (a hilarious way of putting it, as I’ve never worked harder in my life!). I know a lot of people can’t. And though it’s a huge and amazing privilege, it’s left me feeling all kinds of feels along the way. Here are my top 5:
1) WEIRD. Way back when, mums looked after their little ones day-to-day ’til they were about three, then sent them off to nursery. But in 2021 it felt like I was the only one still at home. All my mum friends, family members and NCT alumni returned to work after 12 months’ maternity leave. And when I spoke to them, it sometimes felt like they couldn’t place why I wasn’t too. Is she lazy? Crazy? Too attached to her kid? Judging them? It made me feel a bit weird.
2) LOST. It’s only when you don’t have a ‘job’ that you realise how much your identity is tied up in your own. No longer a copywriter, or ‘in advertising’ I’m now just a person with too many tattoos, trainers and black t-shirts. A mind full of crap jokes with no-one to tell them to. I felt a bit lost, if I’m honest. Now I’m ‘just a mum’. It’s one of the most important jobs in the world, but it doesn’t even feel like one.
3) DAUNTED. When you’re in charge of shaping the mind, body and soul of a fresh-out-the-box (pun intended) human being it’s SCARY. Like cold-sweats-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of scary. It’s a job more important than anything else you’ve ever done – and possibly ever will do. But you have no fucking idea what you’re doing. There’s no training. No pay. No HR. No way to quit. And no days off.
(Why are we doing this again?)
4) AMAZED. But hold on. It’s not all bad. Being Summer’s mum has regularly left me swooning over the truly amazing thing that is the human brain. The speed and faultless way it ingests information (and feelings) like a hippo on hash-brownies is truly astonishing. Watching a tiny human go from crying pink blob to sassy little firecracker in just 36 months has been a sight to behold. And I’ve loved being there to see it.
5) CHANGED FOREVER. ‘Matrescence’ is the word for when you become a mother. Just like adolescence it’s one of life’s transitional moments – leaving your brain changed forever. With a baby to look after, the small stuff – like the washing, your makeup, and maybe even work stress – just has to wait. And as long as they’re fine, it’s all fine. And that kind of new outlook is refreshing.
So now, in 2023, I’m heading back off to work with a totally new brain, a shifted sense of priorities, and the overwhelming urge to do work that I’m proud of, that makes a difference, and that matters to me.
Because if I’m giving up my precious time with Summer, it’d better be good.
Claire Sutherland 