Doug was my first baby. There’s no other way to put it. Not a sensible way to go about having a pet, as it turns out. But that’s how it was, and how we were. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
So it came as no surprise that, when the moment came to say goodbye after 12 years together, it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
‘Disenfranchised grief’ is a term I read about in those dark early days. Coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka in 1989, it refers to “a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported” – and it couldn’t feel more spot on to me.
Because the depth of pain and loss I feel every single day, almost six months on, seems ‘too much’ for the passing of a pet. Even to me.
People do and say all the right things at the start. But once the sympathy cards have come down, and the last bits of fluff have been hoovered up, you start to hear things like “Do you think you’ll get another dog?” and “Isn’t it nice you can go out and about more now?“. Innocent questions that bring burning-hot tears to your eyes. Questions that feel like the worst kind of betrayal to your best friend, your fur-baby, your biggest comfort, your constant in life. Gone forever.
So what happens now?
For me, it’s an overwhelming need to make sure I never forget him. It’s a tattoo of his grumpy little face, his paw print, and his birth-flower (a Larkspur) on my forearm. It’s a locket with his pictures safe inside. It’s a ring with his birthstone. It’s a ‘Diddy plant’ where he used to sit. It’s posting old pictures to my Instagram stories.
It’s doing all of this knowing that people probably think I’ve lost my mind. But it’s the only way that I can carry on.
It’s confusing. It’s embarrassing. But I want you to know that this never-ending, big, ugly, makes-no-sense grief for ‘just a dog’, ‘just a cat’ or ‘just a neighbour’, ‘just a colleague’ or, in my lovely friend’s case, ‘just an embryo’ is real and it’s valid.
And if it’s happened or is happening to you, too – I see you, and I’m sorry.
Resources: Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Service, Tommy’s charity, and more useful contacts for coping with grief.
Claire Sutherland 